It’s 6:22PM on November 14th, 2018. My wife is currently on a flight from Toronto to Vancouver. She has an important job and she’s only 28. She’s a fucking boss. I couldn’t be prouder of the progression she’s made in her career. When we began dating, she was finishing her master’s degree. She moved to England for a shit job and I followed. She moved back to Toronto for a less shit job and we moved in together. Two years later, we were married. Five years later, we’re here. She’s gone, I’m alone and I feel sad.
Sadness isn’t something new to me. I’ve battled depression my entire life. I can’t recall the first time I felt “depressed.” Depression wasn’t really something that was talked about in our family. I think it was just too taboo. It was impossible that a perfect child that excelled in every area of life could be such an awful thing. I don’t blame my parents for this. Most parents are like this. I get it. Two people create this little human. It’s a carbon copy of who they are, which also means the awfulness, yet for whatever reason, it’s supposed to better, improved, you 2.0, but it’s not. It’s just another human being like you, susceptible to your shit and the world’s.
Depression wasn’t really something that was talked about in our family. I think it was just too taboo. It was impossible that a perfect child that excelled in every area of life could be such an awful thing.Tweet
As I thought about my sadness, I also thought about how it’s fluctuated over the years. I’ve been working on software for the last year and a half. It’s a website builder without themes, templates, apps, or plugins. The idea is that you can build anything you fucking want. I don’t use that language on the site. I wanted to make the web not just accessible for everyone, but also, let them easily put their own essence into it. So much of who we are these days is handed over freely and swallowed up by social media. Who are you? It’s a question for which we seek an answer for our entire lives. You don’t know, but Instagram does. I wanted everybody to own a little bit more of who they were. You know, like their own little corner of the web so to speak.
I regress. When I say a year and a half, it’s a bit misleading, because the software that I’ve built, is also built on top of four years’ worth of software before it. Building something like that, in complete isolation, rips out your soul. I’m not even a software engineer. I’m self-taught. My parents would tell you it’s because, “I’m good at everything.” I’ll tell you it’s because, “I’m obsessive compulsive,” yet another mental illness. Who’s counting? Well, I guess I am.
I was melting into sadness, and asked myself, why am I the way I am? It’s not new, I ask myself this question often. I have a good sense of “why,” but I rarely open up about it. My wife knows. My brother knows. Some close friends know. Maybe it’s healthy to share? Probably. I know there are so many others out there feeling the way I do. So, for the first time in my life, I thought, why not open up about it? Maybe I could use my new website building platform to build a site for myself and actually own who I am publicly. Not an edited version of myself through social media, which I abandoned a long time ago, but the real me, a constantly depressed human being, despite all the good things in my life. Perhaps by opening up, I can reconcile this cognitive dissonance in myself.
As such, I opened my platform, thought for a moment, typed in “itsallsad.com,” because it is, and there it was. Things typically don’t come that easily or naturally in life. I don’t believe in signs. Gifts for sure. This was a gift. I think I’ll probably write about how I’m feeling, whatever that is. Maybe I’ll paint again and share that. Who knows? Either way, I’m going to let people in. Maybe you’ll gain more insight into who I am. Maybe you’ll see some of yourself in me. Maybe you’ll agree that it’s ok to just be who you are, whatever that is. I don’t know what this journey looks like, but neither do any of you. I hope to meet more people like me. I know you’re out there. So far, my circle seems mostly happy. Maybe by opening up, I’ll discover that isn’t the case, but I do hope I’m still the only one. I don’t wish this on anyone. I’ve always been different, but I’m here for you, whether you’re like me or not.
All said, this is just a three tall can ramble after a long day’s work. Perhaps, I’ll never follow through with it, but I wrote this anyway in case I do. I think I’m going to create a sort of logo now. Partly because I’ll need one if I do decide to follow through. Partly because I love graphic design and don’t have much time for it anymore. Maybe it’ll make me less sad. I think it’ll be a tweak on the smiley face. Maybe something like Nirvana’s. Grunge was a nice “fuck you” to that era and I think our era needs one too. Funnily enough, I think the symbolism is more appropriate now than it was back then.
It’s all sad but it’s not bad,
There’s good in all of us and I think I simply love people too much, so much that it makes me feel too fucking sad.Kurt Cobain
It’s not bad.